I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
