You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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