Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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