did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In other news, I just burned my penis
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
