Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
