It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
