mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
