new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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