bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
