Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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