he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
