tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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