I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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