I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You may now shotgun with the bride
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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