I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
In other news, I just burned my penis
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
