I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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