There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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