so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
