I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
