6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
