Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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