John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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