I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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