Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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