dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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