Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
