Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
