she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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