Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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