Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
