sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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