I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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