I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
