Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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