I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
