We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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