Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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