i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
