drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize