i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
