my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
