Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
