I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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