So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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