Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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