I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
