Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Randomize