his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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