the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
