the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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