I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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