You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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