and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
