I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
