All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
