i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
