He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize