The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
