for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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