i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
