I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
