i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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